English translation

Early June 2020

This is where it all started, what was supposed to be just a routine check-up became my biggest fear.
the first week of june I went to the gynecologist to ask for a heavier pill (unaware that the pill is very bad for your body), because I was suffering more and more with intermittent bleeding.

During the examination, my doctor said that my uterus looked unbalanced and I had a small spot in the back of 4mm.

My mother who was there at the time asked if she should do an mri made of my uterus (She is a nurse at the hospital). But he said that was not necessary.

This is where the course begins... I was allowed to start taking a pill of 40g of hormones for 2 months, which is actually prescribed for women going through the menopause. This was supposed to solve my interim bleeding and reduce the size of the cyst.
I had nothing to worry about and certainly not my desire to have children.

A week later my husband and I got married. I was terrified that this was more serious than he said and had a conversation with my future husband about what if I can't have children. This was very important to me , something in me said 'he should know what he is getting into before we get married.' This was no problem at all for him. With or without children , he loved me.

A week later we married and the story continues to 2 months later....

08/28/ 2020

After having a very exhausting summer with my body , there was finally "the" consultation.

My body was tired...I had had huge mood swings all summer, weight gain, hair loss,.... Only just married and absolutely not wanting my husband around. It was that bad.

The stress because I thought it was cancer , but also because summer vacation is the busiest time for my business, certainly didn't help . I had also lost an important person in my family, my Grandmother. No, not to Corona but to cancer. This disease was unfortunately not unknown in our family and that is why I was so afraid.

During the consultation everything looked perfect. The doctor told me that my uterus had returned to its normal shape and the cyst was only 2mm in size. In his eyes the treatment had helped and I should not worry about anything anymore. I had mentioned that this was a terrible summer for me, but he didn't really believe this (it all seemed to be in my head).

But the most important point! We were allowed to stop taking birth control and try for a baby!

One week later we did our wedding photo shoot and left on a mini honeymoon in Greece. I was one week off the pill and had never felt better! I felt more confident, could laugh at anything and radiated pure peace. My husband saw just the same and was already asking me to never go on the pill again.... He loved how I felt and behaved towards him.

The courage was all there.

The new year

my spiritual journey started when I was at the deepest point of my life.

After our little honeymoon, I went to Annelies on the recommendation of a wonderful friend. She is a life coach that works with astrology.
My first appointment with Annelies was not far after I had to give up my grandfather. Unfortunately due to COVID-19 I was not able to say goodbye. He missed my grandmother and grieft a lot over the past few months, I was lucky to see him one last time in the summer when he was still lucid.

My first consultation with Annelies was super interesting! I felt uplifted by finally being able to talk to someone again who was outside of all our problems. By looking at my birth chart through astrology, she knew exactly who I was, not only to the outside world but also to myself. I was amazed and wanted to know more about the stars , planets and the moon.... I was always fascinated by the paranormal as a child. I loved to look at the stars and think there were aliens looking back at us. As a teenager, I also sensed energies very well, which I was sometimes afraid of, of course. Like any teenager, I naturally summoned spirits but now I know how dangerous it was to do so. My parents declared me crazy. There's nothing in your room... just go back to sleep... and yet strange things were always happening (only to me).
Through Annelies I was able to understand that this was because of my pisces energy. Yes I am a pisces in 'horoscope', but I also have that energy with other planets which makes me very intuitive and spiritual. For the first time in my life I did not feel 'crazy'.

Annelies was there for me every 2 weeks in the beginning teaching me how to say goodbye and mourn my great-grandparents, and trying to help with my then-named "burnout". Eventually, I sent my dear sister-in-law to Annelies as well because she was somewhat in the same boat. It is also she that had given me for Christmas the most beautiful gift I could wish for. A book about astrology and tarot cards, that's how my spiritual journey started to blossom.

By Christmas I was still not pregnant and each month was a deeper and deeper disappointment. I knew something was wrong but no one believed me.... Because of Annelies I started to trust my intuition later on and this will come back in my story. Now I understand that I could not get pregnant because I was not healthy myself.
Annelies asked me one day "why would your body give you a child if you only take your body down?" And she was right! I was condescending and not listening to my body or my thoughts. Working, that was all that mattered. I only heard and felt negative energy within myself. I kept going on willpower and especially stubbornness , and realize now that this was wrong.

Before we go on again.... Be kind to yourself and your body. Trust your intuition/gut feeling. If you want to know more about Annelies , follow her on instagram under 'astroannelies'.

First spiritual touch

the new year has begun,2021! Although we couldn't celebrate the holidays as usual, we still made something fun of it.

My premonitions around the holidays were right. Around New Year's Eve, I got my period again. I had promised myself this year to follow my natural cycle more closely.

In the meantime I was mentally struggling a lot. When I think back on it now I was more in a depression than a burn-out even. Everything that happened around me had so much negative energy.... To this day I understand that I attracted this energy because I radiated it. There was a lockdown that forced me to close with my business and I was technically unemployed at home. When I was told that I would not receive any benefits from the Netherlands I started to stress enormously about finances because we want a child, and as you always hear this costs a lot of money.

While I was in this dark thought I received a message from an unknown energetic healer. He wanted to call me because he sensed something was not right. I was said to have been "cursed" and to have a childhood trauma that I was carrying with me into my adult life. Of course I immediately went into a panic mode! I knew there was trauma somewhere and chakras were blocked , but this was the first time I heard cursed. It gave me even more negative energy because I believed this.... (Dear if you read this. Don't believe everything everyone says. Find your own blockages and do the work to clear them with positive energy).

Of course I went to Annelies with this, she always knows how to calm my mental chaos. At the end of our session I had some light in me again and we took a card together on this session. It then appeared in my cards that there was going to be a career switch and my first response was 'No way! Guesse what happened 4 days later.... I was fired from my regular job at Tactics by Corona.
As soon as my boss called to see if she could come over, I knew... My intuition immediately told me I was fired, but as always, no one believed me. Afterwards when I called my husband, parents and friends it felt like I was finally right about something and my gut feeling was right. But afterwards the negative blow came again. I was laid off so had nothing stable in my finances anymore and I had to re-open carefully with the business again because of Covid.

When I was at home I followed my cycle and noticed that my ovulation was always very late and my bleeding started a week later. I called my gynecologist to tell him this but he didn't believe me. We would start looking for my ovulation via blood samples and see what my body was doing. In the meantime I had another consultation and everything looked 'perfect'. Nothing to worry about, he said....

So with peace of mind we began our first small course of blood tests.

Springtime 

We start our blood draws. This was going to be combined with my first spiritual power testing. Under the full moon of March I had sat down outside with the 'Fertility' card. Before this I had written down all kinds of affirmations about fertility and burned them under the moonlight. The more I felt the bottom, the more I wanted to get to know my spiritual side.

After the first blood tests we were 100% sure that I was fertile! Only, according to the doctor, my period came too early again. Okay, actually he didn't believe me when I called but we could try again the following month...

So I knew that my full moon ritual had given me strength. I am fertile! After this period I did start having very intense dreams, and when I went to find out what they meant, they represented mental exhaustion. I knew that I had to take a step back, but of course I was not like that.

Because I did not felt heard by my gynecologist and still had the feeling that something was wrong, I made an appointment in the hospital at fertility.

At the beginning of May I had my first appointment at fertility. After a huge questionnaire and consultation, we could start with the first round of "cycle tracking". I had to have blood taken every 2 days so they could find my ovulation again and it all went smoothly. But after that week I had to call again to say that my period had started, and they took that very seriously. I was allowed to come back immediately and we were going to try something extra. Again cycle tracking, but after ovulation I had to take capsules to lengthen my cycle and give my egg time to nest.
During these consultations, the fertility doctors did notice the small lump that my gynecologist had seen a year ago. She saw that it grew sometimes but didn't want to worry me yet in this, Maybe it was just a polyp. 

during these last few months I had gained pounds.... going off the pill and stress naturally brings this on, plus it wasn't about very much weight gain. But then I got a question from a client that totally got me down. She asked if I was pregnant because I had seriously gained weight in her eyes. I have never felt so bad as I did then. Suddenly all my insecurities from bullying in my youth came back to the surface. I thought my body was horrible again. This had increased my stress again which also allowed me to say goodbye to my desire to have children this month.

The message for this chapter. Never let it be said that you do not know your own body, and be careful with words to others. Sometimes words don't mean much to you , but to the other they are the reason for not being able to move forward that day....

1 Year married

June 2021 , one year after we got the news at the doctor's office that something didn't seem to be right in my uterus and we began our journey to having a baby....

To increase the chances of a pregnancy, I had a uterine flush done in early June. i have to admit that this sounds much scarier than it is! Of course, it wasn't pleasant. The doctor persuaded me to do this at a consultation so I didn't have time to stress about it, so we did this the same consultation.
The blood results that were taken earlier showed that I had had a mild STI in my youth. I was shocked and cried for days because of this, but apparently it could just happen at a festival with unhygienic sanitary facilities. Because of this, there was a small chance that a fallopian tube was clogged with remnants of this disease, and the flush was recommended.

The flush itself. It felt more or less like a normal consultation with the gynecologist but with a moment of pain. This small moment of pain is when they insert a catheter needle to get the fluid into your uterus. Afterwards I didn't feel any pain, it was just a bit cold. 
Luckily Pieter was allowed to stand next to me and hold my hand. This reassured me enormously!

After the flush we received good news that everything was nicely accessible so again no problem to get pregnant. This treatment would even increase my chances of getting pregnant this month! So we were very excited to try again this month.

Unfortunately, I was not pregnant again and bad news followed. This I tell in the next chapter.

We celebrated our wedding day in Bruges with the two of us.
While we were walking through the city I came across a crystal store and we went inside to have a look.
Of course, I was holding on to all the crystals I could find to bring positivity into my life! 
I got talking to the lady behind the counter and told her about our fertility problems. 

She recommended moonstones (Huge female crystal) because it helps with hormones, sex organs, fertility, pregnancies,....
I told her that I almost eat and sleep with moonstones!
Then her husband came running from the back of the store ....
He threw a green bracelet on the counter and said "This is for madam." Of course I took it and asked in the name of this crystal. 

Moss agate. Beautiful green crystal that helps release negative emotions. This was my anchor to the future from now on.